At around 33, I started noticing my feet were getting constantly injured while playing rugby. I always seemed to be hurting my big toes. One time when my right toe really hurt after JoJo stepped on it at Dave young's wedding with his size 14 feet I decided enough was enough, so off to the podiatrist. He xrayed my foot and asked how many times I had broken my toe. Uh, I didn't know I had. He showed me about a dozen small lines in the middle of the bone. Those are healed breaks. Great. But no new breaks, what gives?! He wasn't sure, probably just inflammation from getting stepped on. RICE. Rest Ice Compress Elevate. Good enough. But it kept happening. Then in a random twist of fate, after seeing an ortho for my knee that apparantly wasn't injured but hurt like hell and my ankle that wasn't injured but hurt like hell, my chiro friends masseuse say my foot and said the magic words, "that looks like gout." Her dad had been suffering with it for years. Gout. What's that?? Sure enough. I have it. Better still. After I finally figured out I have it all my relatives starting pointing out who else had it in the family, information I could have used years before, thanks. So I've been dealing with gout for a bit now, I turn 40 in June, so off an on for 7 years, a couple goutbreaks a year. Gouch!!! As I wrote not long ago, since moving to Cali it has gotten worse, so either my kidneys are shrivelling up or its a change in the weather/water/whatever. I decided to get on pills. Good idea dumbass. I hate big pharm and therefore the little pharm they produce, at least in prophylactic terms. Really is 5 years of studies enough for drugs, or 10 or even 20. Thousands of people die from pharm problems every year. Not this kid. I'll die from a good old fashioned heart attack like God intended, thank you very much. I'll skip the chance of liquified intestines or acute onset dementia. I might even be able to stave off cardiac issues for a few years with diet and exercise, right!! Areas I struggle with because I like the couch, naps and ice cream too much. Anyway, I bit the bullet and got on meds for Mr. Gouch, had to, quality of life was deteriorating fast. Pain sucks! So I went on Allipurinol, colcrys and indomethecin, which work amazing well at loosening the joints and eliminating the pain. But they do have side effects- loose caboose if you know what I mean.
All of that to get me to the story.
I started the drugs a short while ago and every so often it causes loose caboose as indicated, which sucks because things tend to come out in a bit of a... spray, making an unsightly mess in the bowl. Now lesser, low flush toilets don't clean themselves out very well, leaving the task incomplete. This requires a huge wad of TP, well aimed at the areas that remain and an additional flush. Sometimes even a wiping with the paper, which at best seems unsanitary and requires a double washing of the hands. Ick!!
Of course, a man's toilet solves the problem right away, no muss, no extra flush. I was wowed by just such a basin the other day. I had been in a meeting with the Garrison Commander after lunch for about 2 hours and things had time to...build to a crescendo. Between his office and my car was a mens room. Perfect. I darted in and chose the handicap option, I know, a faux pas generally, but when things aren't working perfect the extra leg room is definitely appreciated. I took my position on the throne and saw to this most executive of affairs. After finishing the all important paperwork, I rose, robed and proceeded to depress the manual actuator. Then something miraculous happened. A deep guttoral groin came from the wall and a woosh strong enough to create a vortex of air that messed up the part in my hair erupted from the toilet. A swirl of tsunamic proportions abraded the smooth porcelain clean of any effluence. I swear, the porcelain sparkled as if winking at me like in a television commercial for any of a handful of industrial strength cleaners. I literally jumped back as the mechanism finished with a shop vac strength suction, emptying the entire apparatus in one loud violent whirlpool of cleanliness. The basin quietly filled with sparkling clean water and came to rest as if the miracle had never occurred and I stood flabbergasted at it's efficiency.
All I can say is......I want one.
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